Awko Taco

Hallo, wie gehts?  Mir geht es gut.  Ich freue mich, weil der schuljahr fast vorbei ist.  Leider haben wir aber zuerst noch viele arbeiten zu schreiben.

My goal was to totally confuse you with that intro.  Do you know why?  Because that is what awkward people do.  Amongst other things.  These other things are the topic of this post!  From the experts, here are how to achieve your wildest dreams and be awkward!

HOW TO BE AWKWARD: A GUIDE FROM THE EXPERTS

That one's for Molly.  Image courtesy of Meme Center

When you see people you know in public, walk very stiffly by them as if you guys are exes or something.  No, scratch that, you don't know how exes behave because you've never dated someone.  You're awkward, remember?  Just walk very stiffly and whatever you do, don't acknowledge them.

When speaking, mess up your words as much as possible.  You can do this by stuttering, mixing up words, mixing up letters of words, or just saying the wrong words.  For example, the other day, instead of saying "I love frozen grapes!" I said "I love frazen gropes!" A plus awkward right there.

When someone smiles at you in the hall, pretend not to see them.  Look at the floor, look behind them, look at the walls, but don't look at them.  Make it obvious that you are not looking at them.

When you are in a public place and someone waves at you, always wave back, especially if they weren't waving at you.  Not only will you feel awkward, but the person who was waving at their friend and the person who was supposed to wave back will feel awkward too!

Don't have a social life.  Don't hang out with anyone.  Social contact is not allowed when being awkward.

Image courtesy of Hyperbole and a Half

When you ask someone a yes or no question, and don't hear the answer, always assume they said no.  Never ask again; that would clear up the situation and make it less awkward.  For example, a few days ago, Grace needed a pencil.  Julia asked Grace if she wanted to borrow one from Julia.  Julia didn't hear Grace's response, so Julia sat there awkwardly while Grace waited for a pencil and then dug through her things to find her own blunt pencil.

Talk in the third person.

Whenever something semi-funny happens, laugh really weirdly and loudly.  People will think you are weird and socially awkward, which was obviously the goal.

When you are torn between a decision, kind of halfway do both things at once.  For example, if you don't know if you should go one way to look for your friends or the other way to grab something you need first, kind of jerk around in both directions for a while before you decide.

When you're playing volleyball and need to spit on the floor for better traction, accidentally spit on your shoe.  Wow, I just realized how weird that sounded to people who don't play volleyball.

Talk about weird details of things no one else understands.

Never participate in the real world because you're too busy thinking about that book you just read.

Stare at people all the time.

Go off on a rant to someone about some inside joke or experience you shared or something they put on their blog, then realize that it was someone else.

I am an expert on many of these things.

Just sayin'.